Too Familiar

It has been so long
Since I've felt this tired
As I've been working
Tirelessly
On resting.

On stopping before the telltale symptoms worsen
and my brain cracks
And out spills all the fear and all the ramblings and misery and anguish
of a decade of holding my smile
Holding my tongue
Holding it all
                       in.

I've been working tirelessly
On letting go of guilt
Messenger's Guilt, Conduit's Guilt, Warrior's Guilt
And all the tiny constant reminders that I
should
be doing more
Letting go of the
Hourly nuggets
and daily daggers
Of a life not.fully.lived.

I've been working tirelessly
On giving myself permission
      to breathe
To relax, to restring,
For wounds to become scars

Pace
Pace
Pace

Slow
stop
   repeat.

I have been working tirelessly
And I am good at it
I have done well
Everyone is proud
I have earned the endless hours in which I have trained my body to curl obediently among warm blankets and cool pillows
I have learned to feel comfortable in comfort

So I wonder why today
When I have lapsed
And the clock has gained extra hours once more
And the warning signs slide back into my periphery
When I find myself adrift in the twilight hours
The hours I no longer know
And long shadows curl around me like dark mangrove seagrass
And my eyes sit heavy with all the day's lead

I wonder why
It feels like being home.