It has been so long
Since I've felt this tired As I've been working Tirelessly On resting. On stopping before the telltale symptoms worsen and my brain cracks And out spills all the fear and all the ramblings and misery and anguish of a decade of holding my smile Holding my tongue Holding it all in. I've been working tirelessly On letting go of guilt Messenger's Guilt, Conduit's Guilt, Warrior's Guilt And all the tiny constant reminders that I should be doing more Letting go of the Hourly nuggets and daily daggers Of a life not.fully.lived. I've been working tirelessly On giving myself permission to breathe To relax, to restring, For wounds to become scars Pace Pace Pace Slow stop repeat. I have been working tirelessly And I am good at it I have done well Everyone is proud I have earned the endless hours in which I have trained my body to curl obediently among warm blankets and cool pillows I have learned to feel comfortable in comfort So I wonder why today When I have lapsed And the clock has gained extra hours once more And the warning signs slide back into my periphery When I find myself adrift in the twilight hours The hours I no longer know And long shadows curl around me like dark mangrove seagrass And my eyes sit heavy with all the day's lead I wonder why It feels like being home.
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AuthorEllie has been writing her whole life - journals, poems, short stories, scripts... allowing words to flow has been a constant cathartic process for her. This blog is an outlet for her writing, no more, no less. Archives
September 2022
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